certain shades of blue

2002-06-23 [ 12:57 am ]
I had worked out an entire monologue of meandering at work tonight, that I wanted to share with you here... But it's all kind of gone by the wayside, to that boarded up room in my mind stuffed full of forgotten inspiration.

I entered a deep depression tonight... I realize that this often happens to me after nights of heavy drinking. I wonder if it is residual effects from the chemicals, or if maybe I am just ashamed at my weakness.

I'm quite confident I'll feel better tomorrow. I just had this feeling like I was being punished, shut into a glass cage with Doritos and tobacco like some sort of suburban commercialized reptile. Everyone else I knew was outside having fun, even Megan who works at Perk's... I mean, she was working, but she was having a blast, outside.

She always wants me to come out and join her for a smoke, but I just won't for a variety of reasons. Tonight was because I really felt like I needed to wallow in my memories, and my sadness.

I finished reading Life After God again, which is undeniably a frightening book, yet it also inspires me to contemplate the meanings of memory, of time. It challenges me to transcend what has become typical humanity, and live closer to God, whoever that is.

Coupland's books are generally about the unbearable, yet self imposed boredom of adulthood coupled with reliance on spots of youth for happiness. This one is no different. I have some really good memories of the past, especially the past three years. I don't really know when they end, actually.

So, I walked around the store, and tried to remember how it looked back in March 1999 when I started. I really couldn't remember. I noticed that the Aqua Velva had a thick layer of dust, and the price tags were coming off. I remember the day he brought those into the store.

I flipped through the dry cleaning invoices, and tried to guess the writing of all the other employees who have come and gone. I even found some of Kim's, I think, who strangely enough always seemed to deal with the same customer (Kathy Kelly).

I decided to turn off the reruns playing in my head, and had no choice but to stare out the window, watching the sky break into an occasional downpour, haze gathering around the lamp-posts, children playing in the growing puddles...

I was wondering what Kim may be doing in Toronto... She stayed there tonight, too, like I was supposed to. I really miss her. We have had some scheduling and communication problems lately, and I am really feeling bad about that.

But I promised myself I wouldn't talk about my relationship online anymore, and I am going to stick to that. I also made a promise (a violent one at that) to not treat this website as an outpouring of depression. So, I will stop this train wreck, and tell you that I have still, never had a P'Zone.

by: kam