who's got my back?

2002-06-18 [ 01:37 am ]
I've been caught in a moment of rage. At who or what, I am not entirely sure, but all I know is that at this moment I feel terribly dependant on a lot of people. I feel like I have to make a great deal of people happy with the decisions I make.

One thing about me, is that I hate to disappoint more than anything else in the world. I have never doublecrossed, or stood anybody up. Hell, I never lie to anybody, not because I am a good person, because I am afraid that if they found out the truth, it would hurt them that I had lied. As such, the truth so straightforward, often hurts coming from me.

It is because of this that I lose friends, sometimes. But I like to believe it is because of this that the good ones stay around.

I digress. Right now I hate my future, and I hate my past. Don't take this the wrong way, please, it's just a moment of weakness, one I'm not afraid to preserve on the web. Picture the www like an actual spider web: my webspace is filled with moments of weakness, cocooned in spider's silk, drained of blood and life.

It always comes back to my dream to transcend the life I have built here. The dream I can never realize without disappointing dozens of people: escaping into the north with no one knowing. Driving as far as I can, until the roads end... And then getting out, and just walking... Until whenever. You'd think I was dead.

It is horribly romantic, and is also a little cliche. And it will never happen, because I am bound to a lot of things here... most of them positive. Like I said, it's just a flash of resentment, and it's fading away...

Okay, I am looking forward to my future. Big time. It's just a little cloudy in parts right now.

Ah, I am normal again. Rage passed. Must have been another Avril Levigne sighting. But look, someone left something scrawled on the wall:

I am not a lover, I am not a romantic, I am here to serve you...

by: kam2k